Home Body Read online

  after feeling disconnected for so long

  my mind and body are finally

  coming back to each other

  - home body

  contents

  mind

  heart

  rest

  awake

  i’m in the darkest room of my life

  maybe i walked out of the womb with it

  is it possible to be born

  with such a melancholy spirit

  maybe it met me at the airport

  slid into my passport

  and remained with me

  long after we landed in

  a country that did not want us

  maybe it was on my father’s face

  when he met us in baggage claim

  and i had no idea who he was

  maybe the rapist left it behind

  or was it that criminal i called a boyfriend

  maybe he beat it into me

  maybe i met the one

  and lost him

  maybe it was the love

  of my life’s parting gift

  or maybe

  it was all of those things at once

  - where the depression came from

  why do i let my mind

  get under my skin

  i am so sensitive

  my mind keeps running off to dark corners

  and coming back with reasons for

  why i am not enough

  sex is a way for people to

  transcend into each other

  and come apart

  a beautiful earthy expression

  but for me

  sex was my girlhood

  dragged to death

  he said

  we were going to play

  then he always locked the door

  always chose the game

  when i told him to stop

  he said i was asking for it

  but what did i know

  about involuntary orgasms

  and agency

  and consent

  at age 7. 8. 9. and 10.

  i’ll be quiet when

  we can say sexual assault

  and they

  stop screaming liar

  depression is silent

  you never hear it coming

  and suddenly it’s

  the loudest voice in your head

  my mind

  my body

  and i

  all live in one place

  but it feels like we are

  three completely different people

  - disconnected

  while everyone else

  was living their life in color

  depression froze me in place

  nothing lasts forever

  let that be the reason you stay

  even this sick twisted misery

  will not last

  - hope

  i have never known anything more

  quietly loud than anxiety

  if you could accept

  that perfection is impossible

  what would you stop obsessing over

  you are lonely

  but you are not alone

  - there is a difference

  it feels like i’m watching my life happen through a fuzzy television screen. i feel far away from this world. almost foreign in this body. as if every happy memory has been wiped clean from the bowl of my mind. i close my eyes and i can’t remember what happy feels like. my chest collapses into my stomach knowing that i have to get up in the morning and pretend i’m not fading away all over again. i want to reach out and touch things. i want to feel them touch me back. i want to live. i want the vitality of my life back.

  abuse doesn’t just happen

  in romantic relationships

  abuse can live

  in friendships too

  i walked offstage

  once the show was over

  and prayed for the misery to

  stop eating me alive

  i was sick

  and pretending not to be sick

  at least performing kept me moving

  coming home to an

  empty apartment was worse

  without work i had nothing to look forward to

  i’d sink into the depression for months

  half passed out from the grief

  eyes open

  mind lost in another dimension

  write the book they said

  get back on the road again

  what’s taking you so long

  - empty

  i want to live

  i’m just afraid

  i won’t measure up to the

  idea people have of me in their heads

  i’m afraid of getting older

  scared i’ll never write anything

  worth reading again

  that i’ll disappoint the people

  who are counting on me

  that i’ll never learn how to be happy

  that i’ll be broke again one day

  that my parents will die

  and i’ll be alone in the end

  being molested as a child has been the most confusing experience of my life. to learn sex without having any concept of it has messed me up in more ways than i’m aware of. to feel an orgasm so young. to have my life threatened. to be stretched. bruised. bit. spit on. to become a woman at the age of four. to know fear intimately. have it breathe down my neck. to be numb. stiff. silent. and own all the world’s shame at once.

  the need to survive

  lit a fire in me

  i want to be snapped

  cracked

  hammered into

  i want to open where i am closed

  find the secret door

  let me out of me

  i want something to

  hold me by the neck

  split me down the middle

  and make me feel alive again

  - i don’t want to be numb anymore

  i am trusting the uncertainty

  and believing i will

  end up somewhere

  right and good

  there is nothing wrong with you

  this is growth

  this is transformation

  protecting yourself

  getting lost in the noise

  figuring it out

  feeling used

  uncared for

  losing hope

  burning out

  this is fear

  this is processing

  this is surviving

  this is being alive

  - journey

  you lose everything

  when you don’t love yourself

  - and gain everything when you do

  i am not my worst days

  i am not what happened to me

  - reminder

  there are whole blackouts

  in some of the years i have lived

  my therapist says our minds erase trauma

  to help us move on

  but every experience i’ve had

  is memorized in my flesh

  even if my mind forgets

  my body remembers

  my body is the map of my life

  my body wears what it’s been through

  my body
signals the alarms when

  it thinks danger is coming

  and suddenly

  the hungry little demons from my past

  come raging out of my flesh

  screaming

  don’t you forget us

  don’t you ever try to

  leave us behind again

  i’m either romanticizing the past

  or i’m busy worrying about the future

  it’s no wonder

  i don’t feel alive

  i’m not living

  in the only moment that’s real

  - present

  anxiety feels like i’m hanging

  off the side of a building

  and my hand is going to

  slip any second

  how can i be so

  cruel to myself

  when i’m doing the best i can

  - be gentle

  list of things to heal your mood:

  1)cry it. walk it. write it. scream it. dance it

  out of your body.

  2)if after all that

  you are still

  spiraling out of control

  ask yourself if sinking into the mud is worth it

  3)the answer is no

  4)the answer is breathe

  5)sip tea and feel your nervous system settle

  6)you are the hero of your life

  7)this feeling doesn’t have power over you

  8)the universe has prepared you to handle this

  9)no matter how dark it gets

  the light is always on its way

  10)you are the light

  11)walk yourself back to where the love lives

  i am not broken

  because of the depression

  i am not a lesser version of myself

  because of the anxiety

  i am a whole

  complete

  and complicated person

  - full

  i am loving myself out of the dark

  i’m breathing aren’t i

  that’s gotta be a sign that

  the universe is on my side

  if i’ve made it this far

  i can make it all the way

  imagine what we could accomplish if

  we didn’t have to spend our energy

  protecting ourselves from

  society’s rapist problem

  most of my life has been spent

  with the two of us touching

  skin to skin

  our nights together

  and sometimes our days

  you carried me when my limbs refused to

  when i was so sick i could not move

  not once did you tire of my weight

  not once did you complain

  you’ve witnessed all my dreams

  my sex

  my writing

  my weeping

  every vulnerable act of my life

  has been with you

  the two of us knee-deep in laughter

  and when i’ve been a fool to trust a fool

  made love on top of you

  left for days only to

  return empty-handed

  you always took me back

  when sleep abandoned me

  we lay awake together

  you are the embrace of my life

  my confessional

  my altar

  i went from girl to woman on top of you

  and in the end

  it will be you—old friend

  delivering me to death well rested

  - there is no place more intimate than a bed

  you didn’t lose it

  happiness has always been here

  - you just lost perspective

  what we lived through

  is living in us

  i am not a victim of my life

  what i went through

  pulled a warrior out of me

  and it is my greatest honor to be her

  for the love of my life

  i am trying my best to have hope

  i’ll keep greeting each morning

  with an i will

  when it feels like i can’t

  i will

  i will

  i will

  meet a day that will melt me

  i will move and the sadness will

  fall off my shoulders

  to make room for joy

  i will be full of color

  i will touch the sky again

  i want a parade

  i want music

  i want confetti

  i want a marching band

  for the ones surviving in silence

  i want a standing ovation

  for every person who

  wakes up and moves toward the sun

  when there is a shadow

  pulling them back on the inside

  our pain is the doorway to our joy

  i’m tired of being disappointed

  in the home that keeps me alive

  i’m exhausted by the energy it takes

  to hate myself

  - i’m putting the hate down

  sometimes

  i love you means

  i want to love you

  sometimes

  i love you means

  i’ll stay a little while longer

  sometimes

  i love you means

  i’m not sure how to leave

  sometimes

  i love you means

  i have nowhere else to go

  i have difficulty separating

  abusive relationships

  from healthy ones

  i can’t tell the difference

  between love and violence

  - it all looks the same

  i was trying to make him the one

  and it took me three years to realize

  love doesn’t work like that

  men like him are experts at

  smelling out girls like me

  the invisible ones

  who believe they must be ugly

  because their fathers didn’t love them

  he said my name

  and i had never heard my name

  dance off a man’s lips before

  give a little attention

  to someone who’s never had any

  and they’ll be slipping and falling

  all over the place

  unable to contain the joy

  of being wanted

  the relief of being discovered

  he groomed me into thinking

  i couldn’t survive without him

  this is how men like him

  trap girls like me

  - predator

  don’t ask me why i didn’t leave

  he made my world so small

  i couldn’t see the exit

  - i’m surprised i got out at all

  if someone doesn’t have a heart

  you can’t go around

  offering them yours

  each time i showed you a piece of heaven

  it was a warning

  every stroll we took

  through the garden of my life

  all the flowers that bloomed for you

  the peacocks that sang your name

  were a sign

  yet

  after seeing all my magic

  you hit your head and lost it

  went and scattered yourself across this town

 
thinking if you were lucky enough to taste me

  you’d get your hands on something better

  everything dulled in comparison

  now you’re back

  body spilling all over my floor

  begging me

  to crush you with my thighs

  pull you into my hips

  transcend you to heaven with my pussy

  i had you on the greatest trip of your life

  i had you seeing visions

  each time i showed you a piece of heaven

  every stroll we took through the garden of my life

  all the flowers that bloomed for you

  the peacocks that sang your name

  were a sign of all you’d lose

  if you betrayed me

  - consequences

  if you’re waiting for them

  to make you feel like you’re enough

  you’ll be waiting a long time

  i’m leaving

  cause i’m not happy here

  i don’t want to reach the end of my life

  still having doubts about

  the man i’ve been with

  since my twenties

  why does everything

  become less beautiful

  once it belongs to us

  it took me getting into a healthy relationship

  to realize i shouldn’t be scared

  of the person i love

  i used to cry

  because i could not find

  a good man to love me

  now i have one and

  he isn’t enough

  the others were always

  halfway out the door

  - that’s what made them alluring